What are we really doing, and what are we really robbing ourselves and others of, when we hold an image of 'the ideal', of 'perfection', that time after time real people, circumstances, or even we our selves do not -- and cannot -- meet?
We all do that, or have done that, in various ways. Holding a rigid image of perfection or an ideal, and then projecting that exacting standard out onto the people and situations of our lives, and measuring them one against the other. Of course, the 'real' always fails to meet the unmeetable expectation.
Why? Precisely because it is real.
An imaginary ideal of the perfect mate, or the perfect situation -- the fantasy woman or man, or job, or whatever -- is safe. It seems perfect because it doesn't speak, it requires nothing of you, and your own needs, habits, and rough edges don't bump up against it during the daily course of things. It seems neat and tidy, not messy and status-quo disrupting. It allows us to retreat into the old comfort of known fears and self-protecting habits.
And, in this fantasy that we escape to, we never ask what it took of us -- what it required -- to create the ideal, or to see a person as an ideal mate, or friend, to be the ideal mate or friend, or to see the ideal elsewhere. It just shows up that way, and is untarnished by other real-world influences, including our own 'stuff' and projections and moods.
Of course, there are costs and drawbacks to living with a fantasy of perfection that nothing measures up with. We can't kiss it, hug it, laugh or cry with it, hold or be held by it, make love with it, at least not in a full-sensory flesh-and-blood way. It's always out there, untouchable, and leaving us here and now, in our self-policed isolation and unconscious addiction to the drama of 'not having' and 'not enough'.
And because we never bump up against it, learn from it, laugh and adventure with it, we don't grow or expand in any real way. We stay static, fantasizing about something we can't experience right now and that can't touch us and move us out of our complacency and into what the Poet David Whyte calls the fierce edges of life.
This was the topic of the movie The Stepford Wives (1975, 2004), where criticism, dissatisfaction, and flaw-seeking of the real-world mate and lifestyle led to the creation of a seemingly utopian gated community and the seemingly perfect, albeit mechanical spouses that had been manufactured to conform to some ideal of perfection.
Of course, even in the film, the ideal gated community and the remote-control operated spouses ended up being flawed. And boring. The dark vein of conformity beneath the surface appearance of perfection was more than a little bit frightening. The mechanical mates malfunctioned regularly, and occasionally blew their circuits when their wires got crossed. The carefully engineered Stepford scheme imploded on itself as a result as real life seeped in through the cracks.
In our culture, we have a focus on constantly striving for unobtainable perfection, and, paradoxically and often tragically, an ingrained belief that we're entitled to instant gratification and having our real lives improved by 'virtual reality' without any effort or discomfort or patience required of us. Just take a pill, pop on the virtual-reality headset, or slip into Fantasy Land, and voila -- instant happiness, just not real, and not here and now.
Even in our spiritual or self-mastery practices, our perfectionist programming, ever seeking the elusive ideal, carries us out of our mindful, loving-kind, and compassionate natures, and out of the present moment, to conform with the over-striving, hyper-competitive 'battle' that we've been taught to believe we can actually win, and that fuels itself on fear, anxiety, stress, and discontent.
Many spiritual teachings speak about this, and tell us not to get blindly seduced by and addicted to the worldly and material quests and
illusions, lest we find ourselves lost. They tell us that we don't have to find ourselves, because our truest Selves have never been lost … just paved over. They tell us that the Kingdom of Heaven is around us, if we adjust our focus to see it and open our hearts to feel and sense it. That tell us that what we nourish with the fertilizer of our heartful attention expands and grows.
A spiritual mentor recently said, "The opportunity is really about asking, 'Can I love and cherish what's right in front of me -- do I choose to work with and appreciate this wonderful, flowering gift in the present -- or do I distract myself with the illusion that there is something better over my shoulder, the allure of finding better treasure in the next field?'"
She continued, "The restless young soul is at odds with the wisdom wanting to be born in and through us, and with one another."
The Jungian Analyst and Author, Marion Woodman, spoke of our addiction to perfection, and wrote, "... perfectionist standards do not allow for failure. They do not even allow for life..."
Yet the allure of the fantasy tugs at us. We expect circumstances and other people to conform to its glossy ideal; get frustrated, angry, and even resentful when it and they do not; and then wonder why our dissatisfaction, loneliness, anxiety, and suffering seem to increase.
And in doing so, in seeking Stepford lives, jobs, partners, friends, and even Stepford Selves, we rob ourselves of the beauty, magic, laughter, and love within us, around us, and in the present moment.
In constantly keeping our eyes to the horizon, without ever shortening our glances, we miss the perfection that is right in front of us, and it passes by unappreciated, or unnoticed.
What magic, what beauty, what blessings, and what Love is in your midst right now, awaiting your full-hearted presence and appreciation of it? Are you willing to cherish what's in front of you right now, and work with the beautiful, flowering gift in the present?
Blessings and Beauty on the Way,
Jamie
Hi Jamie!
I am THRILLED about this website and the work you are doing! Thank you for leaving me a comment so I could find you! I have added this blog to my favorites, and will take a look at what is being offered here. I love anything that has the word VISIONARY in it!
Posted by: Lisa Natoli | April 20, 2008 at 02:31 PM